I meant the holidays, not 2020, though I guess the title could fit both events. I’m not going to join in on the chorus of people cursing the entirety of last year– it’s a tired meme and if I hate anything it’s tired memes. Instead, let’s talk about something more close to home:


Odds are that you’ve got a surplus of good food over the holidays. I know I did: the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years were peppered with family knocking at the door, dropping off cakes, cookies, and more cakes. (Seriously, if anyone from my family’s reading this, drop off a roast or Big Macs or something next year. This is ridiculous.) And then my workplace decided to go through hell and back arranging tasty gift baskets for all of us that I still haven’t worked through entirely.

Needless to say, in my episode of absolutely fucking up a large tin of Belgian chocolate-covered biscuits, I’ve probably gained several pounds in the span of a week. I haven’t checked my scale, for I fear what the results will be. Not to worry, though: now that the holidays are over, it’s time to execute my special diet plan, formulated like a week ago after I swallowed an excessive amount of tiramisu:

Now, before I continue, I’m obligated to post this disclaimer:

I am not a doctor, and this blog does not substitute actual medical advice. If you’re able to, talk to your physician before making any sort of decision regarding your health and body instead of reading some idiot’s blog for guidance.

And also:

I am not Jack Scalfani, and this blog does not represent the views of Jack Scalfani. He has had no involvement in the creation of this diet plan– and honestly, I’d be ashamed if he did.

I present to you,


This isn’t a morbidly obese people’s commentary blog, I swear.

Which is actually a super simple eating plan:

  1. Don’t eat carbohydrates.
  2. If you do eat carbohydrates, they should probably be part of the pile of cakes sitting in the fridge. The sooner you get rid of them, the better. Try very, very hard to only have 1 serving a day.
  3. Remember to have a multivitamin.
  4. ???
  5. Profit, tears, etc.

In reality, at best you’ll achieve a low-carb diet, not true ketosis, but hey, it’s better than unregulated ingestion of crappy sugars. Since a good chunk of my caloric intake is carbs on a normal day, this should also have the benefit of shedding off some of those extra pounds I’ve gained.

To help with this, I’ve also started focusing on strength training; if I’m going to gain weight, it should probably be muscle anyway. I’m a big fan of these two bodyweight routines on Reddit, since they don’t require too much equipment and are pretty satisfying to do on their own. Of course, I augment them depending on how I feel. Maybe I’ll throw in some dumbbells or go for a run or something. Whatever feels right.

So that’s going to be my life for the next few weeks. Hopefully it’ll work out. Happy New Year, remember to eat responsibly, and thanks for reading.

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